I am over being 'judged'.
This morning I was reflecting on how the decades have changed me, and particularly regarding the upbringing of children. And having to let go of the unrealistic expectations of being the perfect mother. If I could rewind, knowing what I know now, how differently I would have lived and made different choices.
PLEASE NOTE: my reflections are born of my own experience. I was born in the mid fifties. Not every woman experienced what I did. There were some who were able to free themselves of others expectations and be free to be themselves. This post is dedicated to the women who could not and who felt trapped in some way.
Living differently away from deep trauma As a person who has worked the past decade on inner healing to change myself, and getting closer to the end of my seventh decade, I now know that it is ok not to have everything perfect (although I am a generally tidy person), and to not care if I do not live up to other people's expectations. But to live in the moment. And if I could turn back time, I would give myself permission not to feel I had to live up to expectations to be perfect for other people's approval. Young motherhood - picture perfect
As an overcomer, I have flashbacks of pockets of memories. One memory that is precious to me is when I was a young mother on a rainy day. We lived in a cul-de-sac which had big puddles when the rain came. I remember encouraging my young child to play in the puddles in gumboots in utter delight - however feeling pressured to hurry to clean up and have everything perfectly in order again before anyone saw us. Living in fear is not a good way to live.
Growing up and the impression to be 'perfect'
Sadly, when I was a child in the fifties and sixties, the general teaching and expectation was that you had to at least 'appear' to be a good and perfect child, or you were punished or denied. And of course, we are aware now that this is because our parents were also judged by their peers and any parents who were still alive. Our parents had come through The Depression and wars, and had been deprived of so much that they wanted their lives to be different. And discipline was harsh. The threat of The Cold War was ever present, and fear was always in the subconscious. They had no-one to show them anything different. 'Children had to be seen but not heard'.
A 'good mother' aka the perfect mother In the seventies and eighties, a 'good mother' had a perfectly disciplined child, clean and 'properly' dressed and toilet trained early. (I suspect the last one was because disposables did not exist, so it was born of a practical wish.) Approval and affection were dependent on you as a mother for having everything right and in order, let alone the poor child/children. The house had to be constantly tidy and perfect in case someone turned up who would 'judge you' whilst they were visiting (even the dust on top of furniture was tested with the flick of a finger); let alone cooking and ironing being required to be all done before the 'breadwinner' came home. Many men definitely had a sense of ownership which was reflected in a society where a woman could not have their own bank account unless it was authorise/co-signed by their spouse or father. I was living in a coercive situation, but there was no name for it in those days. Many women felt totally alone even if they belonged to women's groups at the church or otherwise. If you dared to want to work, there was even more judgement because of the prevalence of 'the traditional' view of motherhood. You had to make sure everything else was done as well as any work or hobbies. The pressure was intense. There was also judgement in getting one's figure back quickly after pregnancy. Everything was about looking a part. I often felt in a state of despair and being misjudged. No-one knew the real me.
Judgement of peers
I remember when trying to fit into a local mothers group, a couple of mothers 'judged me' for being an 'older mother' and for not having had another child. (I was first married at 20 almost 21, and was 26-27 at the time!) "Your child is one. You should be trying for another one now. Why didn't you start earlier?" This scenario was repeated in various church groups. Little did they know the pain and grief that I was suffering regarding my having children, or the medical issues, or miscarriage loss, my home life or anything. Judgement was rife. Again, 'the good mother' was being judged - particularly by women - again. And on the other end of the spectrum in the seventies, there was a growing group of people who did not care what the establishment said. For some others who left society to try another life, The Hippy movement brought another type isolation and judgement to those who tried to live differently. I used to doodle flower patterns wondering about another life. The internet did not exist, and phones were on timers as phone calls were so expensive on what were known as STD (long distance) rates at the time. Being prevented from using the phone was also a tool to prevent staying in contact with any friends. Living away from the city was an additional isolation for so many women as most had no transport, although we walked as far as we could, and learned to rely on just ourselves.
Fast forward to the 2020s - there has been many changes, however attitudes to mothers are still skewed in the wider world. Interestingly, if a child has a tantrum or behaves differently in public, the mother is still judged rather than being given help or understanding. And, if a woman feels that they have something to give in service to the community or leadership and focuses on their work, they are put down or questioned for being a woman for not having children. We don't know if their lack of children was a choice, or if they had heartache like myself. It is not our position to judge. But when a woman is judged because she is choosing to 'fulfill' her purpose, there is something very amiss. Being seen and the inner child
Children are no longer 'seen but not heard'. Although the voice of the child is still not heard properly in cases of care and preventing abuse*. But that's another story. In my work I am aware of many mothers who feel lost or helpless, for their childhoods were so different to the present and learning to forgive is difficult. However, exploring their inner child and learning to heal and be the best of themselves as adults, is one of the greatest gifts that they can give to their child/children, breaking ancestral trauma patterns.
Fears and protection We have come so far. However, on the other hand, there are fears of a world gone mad. Many children are now so protected or isolated that they are prevented from doing natural things - like climbing trees, or making mistakes. I understand why parents wish to protect their children, but how good it would be if they could let go a little so the child can learn and grow in their own wisdom, finding solutions. When a young client delights in our magical garden I witness the parent literally relax and breathe a sense of relief and calm. Wonder and peace.
Expectations of a child's behaviour When I was a little girl, I heard so many times from adults, "don't touch that, don't break it or else! ...' The threat of punishment was always there. It is different now.
I have had child clients who had learned to respond in negative ways to survive and who were placed in caring homes with carers who brought them to me for support. In the studio there are many objects, some fragile. I remember one young child who I was warned would smash things up including glass. In the studio they were instantly drawn to an object crystal that was very beautiful but fragile. As he looked at me reaching for it, I said quietly, 'yes - you can place it in the tray. I know you will hold it carefully with two hands because I know you will be the one upset if it breaks'. As soon as he realised that he would be the one upset, not me, and that he was not going to be punished - the situation changed immediately. In the months I worked with him he treasured every object he handled in the room. He had learned a different reason to be careful that felt aligned with his soul. Rather than punishment, it was about taking care of things for his own sake and feelings. Seeing them as precious. This changed everything for him.
Sisterhood, inner child As a woman, I like to genuinely consider other women as sisters, and I encourage women to be the best that they can be. Hence my preference for inner child work. Learning forgiveness is another huge lesson for me. As a young mother, I was always living in fear and pain. I had no understanding of the severe child trauma that I had blocked deep inside of me. So, I was in a constant state of 'fear, freeze, flight or fawn' in order to survive. And of course this state of being was not supportive to my being free to be me.
Keeping on keeping on and the value of experience
I know what it is like to suffer and to keep on trying, no matter what.
I also know what it is like to be judged, over and over.
Even at my late age, I am judged by some ... "why are you continuing to try to work? Why don't you just give up?"
Well, after many recent months asking myself the same question, I realise that I keep on keeping on, because I feel called to do so. I don't want my life, and loss and pain to be wasted. I feel that I have something to offer women and children; I want my experience, navigating and learning to live with loss and grief and mistakes in life, to be an inspiration for others who are on a healing journey of their own. Or for those who are learning to be the person they were created to be, with their own skills and inner purpose. To help them heal their inner wounds to be free to be the best of themselves, no matter what their age. To learn to forgive. To learn to forgive themselves. To discover how to tap into their inner soul and inner compass, learning to recognise peace within and be 'free to be me'.
Aligned with soul, inner peace, free to be me As we learn to be intuitive and aligned to our own soul and inner compass, we can live in a way that brings us peace. And my prayer is that the inner peace we discover ripples out to many others. May you know for yourself the feeling of being 'free to be me'.
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*The Childhood Foundation (Australia) has many resources https://www.childhood.org.au/ Soon I will be offering a new series of online programs to address anxiety and burnout and harmonise mind, heart, emotions.